i've been thinking alot these past few days
and i think i will not go back on what i have decided.
because i want to do what i love,
and not what is the right or supposed path i'm so
called supposed to take.

and, i saw his photo today on facebook.
i thought i wouldn't be affected,
but i was! darn it.
it's weird because i know i am over it,
so i don't get why i still feel emotional.
maybe because he hurt me a lot. pfft.
whatever. i'll work on it until the point where i can
walk past him on the street and totally don't feel a single thing.
wasted 2 frigging years of my life.
it will never happen again.

And guess what.
i saw my brother smoking.
WHAT THE FISH. SERIOUSLY.
he said he wanted to use the toilet so i went home first.
but i was distracted by a really cute cat below my house
so i stuck around for awhile and i saw him at the stairs.
although he hid it in time, and i pretended to not know anything
and just walked back home.
how was i supposed to react?
my eyes watered and my throat tightened the minute i knew what
was happening. i just went into my room and stoned.
i feel really upset because i really respect my brother.
even if he left church i still respect him
but now this? how am i supposed to face him without feeling judgemental?
i hate smokers. i hate them because they don't show respect for their
own body.
but i can't hate my brother.
i love him to death.
but i just wished he realises what a materialistic idiot he has become.
not saying this because of the smoking but other stuff also.

feel really exhausted emotionally.
i can't even take care of myself how
can i possibly allow myself to take care
of people who are more than friends and family?
i think i'll end up burdening people with my
roller coaster life. just when i feel happy some strange thing
will bring me back to square one again..
and the people i love become all weird (except mummy)
maybe this is the reason i'm like so scared.
i make effort to make sure i won't end up being the victim.
really disliked being cast away or left alone.
i really hate that feeling...
okay i shall stop here and snap out of this
"my life is so freaking pitiful" mode.
life is unfair i get it.
and i don't regret having gone thru all this stuff,
despite how shitty they are.
i know God gave me these stuff because he knows i can take it.
if it were other people maybe they would've jump ship
or turn into rebellious smoke-drunkards who treat their home
like hotels.

pfft. must be boring you with all these wussy shit.
if you can't take it don't read it.
wait. you already have. too bad then.
:D
suddenly i am super into jay chou, westlife, and mushy love songs.

where are you soulmate?
the person who can take all my nonsense.
and eat icecream and couch potato chips and watch
sobby movies like the notebook, titanic, p.s i love you with me
without complaining, accompany me to sit the viking even though
he hates it, sing along to sappy songs and not feel ashamed,
the funny oddball who doesn't really fit in.
maybe he's not born yet!
lol. boyfriend who is 17 years younger.
creepy.
guess that person will be hard to find.
one in a trillion maybe.
maybe he already died.
maybe my soul mate was supposed to be michael jackson!
but no. too much plastic surgery...
or maybe there is no such person.
justrandominghaha.

BYE!